Yes Virginia... it is possible to drink too much beer

Right now I'm in the midst of what some would call Beer Heaven and others would call Beer Hell. Since Saturday we've:

• Attended the third annual Buses at the Brewery at Bristol Brewing.
• Hit up the grand opening of Colorado Mountain Brewery on the north side of Colorado Springs. Actually, this turned into a 9 hour marathon of sampling the liquid and solid warez of this new brewpub.  
• Had two lengthy Beer Tap TV filming sessions which included filming two new episodes of Taste Buds (that you'll see in the following weeks), this week's Beer Buzz (#80, Beers with Kyle) which is live right now and could possibly be our best episode yet. AND next week's episode (which utilizes our new green screen extensively).  Oh, and we drank.  A lot. 
• Hung out with the monkeys at Moonlight on the Mountain at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo while simultaneously celebrating International Beer Day.

Now, if my body will stop flipping me the finger I'm going to try and get out to the Air Force Academy tomorrow for a Toast to the Host.  It's a stretch though... my body is really rebelling against me.  It's doing so by shutting down my liver and... making me fat(ter).

Bastard.  I'll show it!

If that weren't enough... next weekend (August 13 - 15) is this year's Craft Lager Festival in Manitou.  If you've never been, you need to.  It's a hoot.  Not only will we be out there for Saturday and Sunday's festivities, but I'll be giving the keynote address at the Craft Lager School on Friday afternoon.  Should be... interesting.  At least my buddy Zak Davis from Shmaltz Brewing will be presenting before me.  Those Jewish beer making nutters are crazier then I am!

Update on the next Brewvie Review.  Last time we met I made a list of movies to pick from. Some smart ass said all of them.  So that's what I'm doing.  HOWEVER... I just watched Kick-Ass, and because that has become my current Favorite Movie Of All Time! I will in fact be doing a review of that very soon.  And for any of you who've been reading this column for any length of time know damn well that "very soon" could be as "soon" as three months.


I'm out.

Taste the colors of the beerainbow

By now you've heard of the Double Rainbow Guy and the incredulous video he made about rainbows.  There have been as many parodies as views of the original video (nearly 6 million). Well, some of our local brewery boys have decided to use that as inspiration for a new beer.  To read all about it go check out my Colorado Springs Craft Beer Examiner column entitled Double your pleasure with Double Rainbow Guy and Double Rainbow Saison. Beer tap TV will be covering this collabrew from beginning to end!

And while you're there you might also be interested to know that the 4th edition of the Beer Map from the fine folks at the Beer Drinker's Guide to Colorado is now available.  Get yourself a copy!

And did you know that two of Colorado's biggest beer festivals will square off later this summer? That's right, for the first time in history the Great American Beer Festival is taking place on the same weekend as the Telluride Blues & Brews Festival. Go read my article and you'll see how this fiasco unfolded...  I want to know what you think about this and which festival you'll be attending.

Beer Tap TV will be busy this week. On Thursday we'll be at Great Divide Brewing in Denver for Kyle Hollingsworth's Brew Fest. Unfortunatley, this event is sold out, but stay tuned to Beer Tap TV for a special episode that will show you what you missed.

On Saturday we'll be at Antlers Park in downtown Colorado Springs for the Springs Beer Fest, hosted by Old Chicago's, Bristol and Beer Tap TV.  Come on down for a day of fun in the sun with suds, great music from the Jake Loggins Band and more!  Tickets only cost $20 in advance ($25 at the gate) for 7 hours of unbridled craft beer imbibing.  BTTV will b having an after party immediately proceeding the event... we're right across the street from Phantom Canyon, and a block or two away from Old Chicago's on Tejon (which is now GMed by our very own Dusty Frazier of Taste Buds!).   And if that's not enough to entice... the one and only Lisa "Beer Goddess" Morrison will be in town hanging out with us too!

One more thing before I tap out... I know I said I was gonna do a Brewvie Review for From Paris With Love next.  However, I've seen a slew of movies since then, so which would you prefer a BR on? Shutter Island, Edge of Darkness, Daybreakers, Sherlock Holmes, From Paris with Love, When In Rome, The Bounty Hunter, Valentine's Day, The Road, or The Wolfman?

Zivjeli!

Two great things that go great together: Beer & Trains!

It's been a crazy month for your intrepid Beer Geek. Fran and I have bounced from Snowmass to Alamosa to Portland, Oregon (entry on that trip coming soon).

As reported last time, we were about to the 3rd Annual Rails & Ales Festival.  As expected, it was a good time.  Trains, beer and a fantastic mountain meadow setting combined to make it one of the most unique festivals you'll find in any state.

The photo to the right was taken before the second train from La Veta pulled in, but with several hundred people in attendance it still made for an intimate setting. For now. It's only a a matter of time before this thing goes Big Time and gets as big the Snowmass Chili Pepper & Brew Fest or the Telluride Blues & Brews Festival.

Here's some video taken on the nearly 2-hour gorgeous and leisurely train ride (on an old fashioned steam train no less) up to Fir, situated at just under 10,000 feet.

Alamosa is an interesting little town. It's a way-point for road weary travelers jetting from Point A to Point B. One of those places on the map that you're forced to drive straight through the middle of town and will miss if you blink. A word of advice:  don't miss it. Aside from being home to the Rio Grande railroad, it's also home to the San Luis Valley Brewing Company. Being the only brewery in the area (located right on Main Street), it attracts a lot of interesting locals and travelers "jetting from Point A to Point B."  Case in point:  a gent by the name of Jolan Truan who lives in Tempe, Arizona.  While Fran and I were sampling the many fine brews at SLVB...

Jolan sat down and started doing what all good bar flies do - chat up your bar mate! Turns out this traveling man was nothing short of a walking encyclopedia. During our hours long conversation we talked about history, politics, sports (the U.S. had just lost to Ghana in the World Cup) and of course... beer.  Seeing that I was a lover of history and craft beer Jolan excused himself, went to his car and came back with a book entitled, "Brewing in Trinidad, Colorado." Printed in 1992 and written by Mike Hennech, it attempts to document Trinidad's beer history. With reference dates going back to the mid/late 1800s it's proving to be an incredibly interesting read. What's more, it's given me an idea... one I'm not ready to reveal just yet. ;)

If hitching a ride on a train for a beer festival sounds like fun you won't have to wait an entire year to experience it. The train for the 3rd Annual Oktoberfest Rails & Ales will leave the station on Saturday, October 2nd . Highlights include a scenic train ride from Alamosa to La Veta to experience their 24th Annual Oktoberfest, plus  there will be great samplings of Octoberfest style beers available on the train! Lively Bavarian music will be playing during the train ride and German cuisine will be featured for lunch.  Contact the Rio Grande Scenic Railroad ticket office at (877) 726-RAIL (7245) for tickets/information. We plan on being aboard this Bavarian beer train!

Until next time...

Zivjeli!

All aboard the summer beer train!

Yo peeps.  I don't know how it is where you live, but Summer has roared into Colorado with a vengeance.  The past few days have felt more like the 7th Level of Hell then the nice, cool climes of the Rocky Mountains. It's been above 90 for the better part of the last month.  Now, 90 degrees might not seem hot to you folks in Nevada or Arizona, which frankly is the 1st Level of Hell, or back east where you have to use a paddle to wade through the humidity... but 90 is hot when you live over a mile closer to the sun.  It's HAWT!  And in this kind of weather nothing goes better then a crisp, cold brew. 

Question:  how many of you base the type of beer you drink on the season?  For example, I only drink lighter colored beers in the summer. Beers like pal ales, IPAs, wheats, hefes, lagers.  During the winter I hunker down and start suckin' on nothing but stouts, porters and the like.  I can't down a thick heavy beer like those in the summer.  It just doesn't work for me.  How about you?

Another Question: anyone notice the new look of the site?  Anyone like it? Dislike it?  Thoughts?

I'll be heading down to Alamosa later today where Fran and I will hanging out at Scott and Angie Graber's brewery - San Luis Valley Brewing Company.  You may have heard me mention them a time or two in the past.  Angie is the head brewer and makes Hefe Suave, one of the single best American style Hefeweizens I've ever had. Since they don't distribute outside the Alamosa area, it's usually months between tastings.  Can't wait!

But we're not driving all the way down to Alamosa just to get my hefe fix.  On Saturday SLVBC is hosting the 3rd Annual Rails & Ales Festival.  Basically, it's riding a train (while drinking beer) to a beer festival in a gorgeous mountain meadow situated at 9,700 feet.

Trains drop everyone off at the top of the pass where there will be 80 different beers to sample. Live music will be performed on the boxcar stage, and some great BBQ will be available. It's Rio Grande's most popular train of the season.

Unfortunately for you, if you haven't bought tickets yet... you won't be able to go. Tickets have officially sold out!  This really is one of the coolest, most unique festivals in the state of Colorado, one you need to attend.

If you missed this one, don't worry... you don't have to wait a whole year! On October 2nd they'll be running another beer train, this time for the 3rd Annaul Rails & Ales Octoberfest.  This event has a few differences though. Instead of stopping in the pass the train goes all the way to Le Veta where passengers get off and enjoy the quaint town's 24th Annual Oktoberfest.  Fran and I went the first year and it was incredibly fun! With any luck, we'll be back in Alamosa in October. 

Coming Up:  expect to see a Brewvie Review for From Paris With Love.


Zivjeli!

The Brewvie Review: Avatar

Avatar

Disabled Marine Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) travels to planet Pandora to become an avatar, ingratiate himself with the natives and help Americans mine lucrative unobtainium. But he finds himself in an interstellar conflict after falling for Na'vi warrior Neytiri (Zoe Saldana). James Cameron writes and directs this Golden Globe-winning CGI odyssey that has broken box office records. Sigourney Weaver and Stephen Lang co-star.  - Description from Netflix

I took me 171 days after Avatar was released in theaters to actually see it. I know... a Sci-Fi geek like me taking six months to see one of the best Sci-Fi flicks ever made, right? Shame on me.

All I can say is... James Cameron did it again. Even with all the hype, Oscar nods, and merchandise whoring I was still blown away.  Yes, the special effects make your eyes bleed, but they do so much more.  They create a world that looks and feels real. The effects bring James Cameron's movie to life in a way rarely seen. I've been a SF geek as far back as I can remember and the only other movie that so fully engrossed me into its world as to change my own reality was the original Star Wars movie.  I was 10 at the time, so it's not hard to imagine the impact a movie like that can have on child that age. But for it to happen, at least in part, to a full blown middle aged adult - in this day and age no less... is quite the accomplishment.

Avatar is a movie that you must see, even if you're not a space cadet. The story is poignant on many levels.  Frankly, I don't buy the naysayers - many of whom are clearly out of touch with reality - who claim James Cameron embedded a political statement within his fanciful yarn. Everyone everywhere has to voice their opinion, and technology has given them all a platform to do so.  And even if he did... who cares?  Last time I checked we still lived in America. It's his right. Here's something else... if he did, then his message apparently struck just the right nerve in just the right way. And maybe that's what the naysayser are really terrified of.

In any case... if you haven't seen it, do so.  This epic SF yarn weighs in at just under 3 hours, but it never feels like it. As with all things though, not everyone is going to like it.  In order to fully enjoy this film you have to have an open mind, one capable of simultaneously enjoying sweeping fictional sagas as if you were a child, but mature enough to take away a deeper understanding. You too have to become something of an avatar. 

Avatar gets a perfect score of:

Beer suggestion for Avatar

Avatar Jasmine IPA from Elysian Brewing Company in Seattle, Washington.  This "new incarnation" of an India Pale Ale is the perfect brew to watch this film with. One of the main tenants of Avatar the movie is just how out of touch we "civilized" and "technologically advanced people" have become with nature.  Avatar the beer (6.3% ABV) bridges that gap with a floral nose and flavor that balances the subtleness of jasmine with the I.P.A.'s essential hoppiness. Dried jasmine flowers were added in the boil and hopback, which sounds a lot like something aboriginal people would have once done to a beverage they were making.

String Cheese and brew!

In the next day or two expect to see a more detailed article about the 7th Annual Chili Pepper & Brew Fest on my Colorado Springs Craft Beer column. We had a great time, tasted some great beer, and got to hang out with bona fide rock star - Kyle Hollingsworth of String Cheese Incident!

According to photo provider WhopTbird Jones: "Kyle Hollingsworth about to do some beer kung fu on Eli."

Besides performing music around the country, Kyle is a beer geek and homebrewer and has a very cool beer related event coming up. In anticipation of this summer’s sold-out String Cheese Incident run at Red Rocks (July 23-25), Kyle, in conjunction with Great Divide Brewing Company, The Mountain Sun Brewery, and Deschutes Brewery will be presenting... Kyle's Brew Fest. 

This kick-off party will take place at Denver’s Great Divide Brewery (2201 Arapahoe Street, Denver) on Thursday, July 22 (from 6:00 – 9:00 pm) to benefit Conscious Alliance. Tickets cost $25, and can be purchases online (click here) with ALL proceeds going to Conscious Alliance. A very limited number are still available. Price of admission includes: 

• An exclusive performance from Kyle Hollingsworth Band
• Limited edition Kyle’s Brew Fest logo pint glass
• Several drink tickets
• One 2-oz taster per brewery (participating breweries include Great Divide Brewing, The Mountain Sun Brewery, Deschutes Brewery, Avery Brewing, Boulder Beer, Ska Brewing, Stone Brewing, Trinity Brewing, Upslope Brewing and others)
• Delicious grub from Mountain Sun
• An opportunity to bid at the Silent Auction (which features rock memorabilia from the scene’s favorite artists, among other items)

If you can't make it Beer Tap TV will be on hand to film the festivities. But we hope to see you there!

Beer dinners, conferences, and festivals... oh my!

It's been a while since I actually wrote a column that wasn't a movie/brew review.  Which means now is a good time to do just that... especially since I actually have several things to write about!

Crafty beer dinner at Craftwood Inn

Fran and I attended a beer dinner a few weeks ago hosted by Craftwood Inn (Manitous Springs) featuring beers from New Belgium Brewing. It was spectacular. In attendance from New Belgium were Travis Flett and Matt Jones, and brew master extraordinaire, Pete Bouckaert. Craftwood's Executive Chef, Ben Hoffer prepared all the food and specific pairings. You can see the full menu of what you missed by visiting Craftwood Inn's Facebook page.

For me, two dishes really stood out. First was the peppered buffalo and grilled asparagus salad paired with Blue Paddle, a Czech style pilsner with a refreshing crispness that went perfectly with the buffalo and the summer heat. The dessert, according to Chef Ben, was the riskiest of all the dishes. This sour cherry lambic float was paired with Transatlantique Kriek, a spontaneously fermented lambic ale made with Polish cherries. Ben rocked that float!

The next time Craftwood Inn hosts a beer dinner - featuring beer from any brewery, but especially New Belgium's - get on down there!

Beer Blogger is as Beer Blogger does

This week Zephyr Adventures, headed by Allan Wright, announced the world’s first Beer Bloggers & Social Media Conference to be held November 5-7, 2010 in Boulder, Colorado. The conference will bring together an estimated 150 beer bloggers and others involved with online and social media in the beer industry.

And I'd like to say... IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!

Our good friend Ashley Routson (aka The Beer Wench) will be the Chief Blogger for the 2010 conference. And since this first of its kind conference is taking place here in Colorado, they'll be working directly with several of Colorado's finest beer bloggers to help make sure it has the full Rocky Mountain flavor, including Chuck at Beer at 6512, Rick at Big Foamy Head (who also operates Epiphany Brewing), as well as myself and Erik Boles from Beer Tap TV.  

The conference will include dinners, tastings, speakers, and academic sessions designed to help beer bloggers improve their trade. They've already lined up some serious support including the Boulder Beer Company and Oskar Blues Brewery as their two dinner sponsors, Draft Magazine and Mutineer Magazine to help promote the conference, and the Boulder Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Colorado Brewers Guild. The host hotel is the Boulder Marriott. More sponsors will be announced soon.  For more information check out their website (http://beerbloggersconference.org/), send them an Email at info@beerbloggersconference.org, or leave a comment on there blog. And be sure to sign up on their mailing list to receive updates. This is gonna be EPIC!
 

Chili Peppers & Beer... at Altitude

The 7th Annual Chili Pepper & Brew Fest, which combines three fiery components into one smokin' weekend, starts today in Snowmass, Colorado. 

The International Chili Society holds two chili competitions/tastings, microbrewers and homebrewers face off in two separate competitions, and festival-goers will get to sample beer from over 50 breweries. New this year is a European and exotic beer tasting tent.  Oh, and then there's the music!  Fanny Hill will be rocking with the Kyle Hollingworth Band, The Wailers, and George Clinton and Parliament-Funkadelic!!!!

Me and the rest of the Beer Tap TV gang will be up there on Saturday to schmooze, film, sample great beers (we'll be helping to judge the home brew competition as well), light our mouths on fire with chili peppers, and enjoy the setting! This one of the best outdoor beer festival in the state... don't miss it!

Tickets range from $25 - $75.  For more information, surf over to their website (http://snowmasschiliandbrew.com/), call 1.800.SNOWMASS (1.800.766.9627),  or Email them.

Until next time... ZIVJELI!

The Brewvie Review: The Fourth Kind

In 1977, two movies were released that literally changed cinema. Close Encounters of the Third Kind came out a mere six months after the first Star Wars movie. I was 10 years old at the time.  The fact that CE3K didn't get lost in the hoopla that was Star Wars  is amazing, and it deservedly became a legend in its own right. Fast forward some 32 years and we find that the Third Kind is not the last kind...

SPOILER ALERT!  IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "The Fourth Kind" YET READ NO FURTHER!

The Fourth Kind

We watched The Fourth Kind recently and after having the crap (almost literally) scarred out of me I decided to use it as a Brewvie Review.  Let me say that I had seen the trailers but had done no further rsearch, so I was under the impression that this was movie in fact based on "real events."

Unfortunately, in this day and age of instant portable knowledge, movies like The Fourth Kind can't succeed like they once could.  Remember the hoopla surrounding The Blair Witch Project? That was released in 1999 - a full 11 years ago, back when the Internet was still in its infancy and wasn't accessible by every single person on the planet carrying Star Trek gizmos. Everyone thought that movie was real.  And for those of you who say: "Didn't scare me." "I never thought it was real."  Quit lying. Most of us can't remember what happened yesterday, don't lie by pretending to think you remember exactly what you were feeling 11 years ago about a movie. You were just as transfixed as the rest of us.

So as I sat there watching The Fourth Kind I was convinced it was actually using "real" archival footage of Dr. Abigail Tyler, a psychologist investing the abductions of a disproportionate number of Nome, Alaska's population.  During her investigation she videotapes sessions with traumatized patients and discovers "some of the most disturbing evidence of alien abduction ever documented."   It looks real.  It feels real.  But it's not real.  I didn't know that it wasn't real while watching the movie, so it worked!  If you knew before hand that it was all fake "real" I'm sure it wouldn't be as effective. It was an entertaining flick and I came away with some interesting tidbits for my ever-in-production novel.

The Fourth Kind gets a score of:

Beer suggestion for TFK




Two things immediately sprang to mind. First, The Flying Saucer Draught Emporium, a string of fantastic beer bars throughout the south/southwest. Rumor has it there's one coming to Colorado.  We'll see.


However, there's really only one clear beer choice that steps up and shouts: "Abduct me!"  I mean, "Drink me!"  The line of UFO Hefeweizen beers from Harpoon Brewery: UFO Hefeweizen, UFO White, UFO Raspberry Hefeweizen, and UFO Pale.  These beers will kidnap your taste buds and never give 'em back.  Plus, they're so incredibly sessionable that you can drink a ton of them. Which might just come in handy because I'm sure aliens don't want to conduct horrifying experiments on beer saturated body parts. Heck, for all we know craft beer might be the equivalent of garlic to vampires... or Kryptonite to Superman.


Until next time... keep the lights on and the beer cold!

The Brewvie Review: Law Abiding Citizen

Gerard Butler is the freakin' man.  Seriously.  He can play funny, with a chauvinistic bent, as he did in the romcom, The Ugly Truth. He can do straight romance as he did in P.S. I Love You. And previews for The Bounty Hunter (staring the hottest Friend of all, Jennifer Aniston) look hilarious too. We know he can act the hell outta action/adventure movies as he did in the kick ass 300, and the overlooked (but should be seen) Beowulf & Grendel. Well, add another righteous flick to his ever growing list of movie stardom credentials.

Law Abiding Citizen
 

Traumatized by the atrocious murders of his wife and daughter -- and the flawed justice system that set the killers free -- Clyde Shelton (Gerard Butler) gives in to his rage and sets out on a course of vengeance. He soon takes on not only the prosecutor involved in the case, Nick Rice (Jamie Foxx), but also the city of Philadelphia. Director F. Gary Gray's bold crime thriller co-stars Viola Davis and Michael Gambon.

Jesus, Joseph and Mary! Vengeance is an understatement! But this isn't your typical old school, video game indestructo-man wading through waves of enemies with nary a scratch. This flick is Death Wish for a new era, high-tech and smart.

Critics almost universally panned this movie. But then what do they know? Most paid critics: 1) are out of touch with what the viewing public actually likes (kind of like politicians and wine snobs), or 2) don't care what the viewing public actually likes (kind of like politicians and wine snobs). In my personal opinion the only movie critic worth listening to is Joe Bob Briggs.

Interestingly enough, I almost universally don't care what paid movie critics think. As one Average Joe Movie Goer to another... this movie kicked all kinds of ass! LAC is a  guy-flick up there with the likes of Shoot 'Em Up and The Boondock Saints. And here's something you won't here a movie critic say: vigilantism gets a bad rap. Every day we hear how police departments are forced to cut officers and equipment needed to do their jobs (i.e., helicopters, canine units, real guns instead of cap guns, etc.), which in effect makes it impossible for them to actually do their job. Criminals don't play by the rules. Crime fighters shouldn't be handcuffed when fighting crime. So why not get some help from the public? Just like the "cab cops" here in Colorado Springs.  Anywho...

Law Abiding Citizen gets a score of: 

Beer suggestion for LAC

After searching far and wide for just the right beverage to go with this vengeance filled movie I finally found the right culprit - Dirty Justice from Boulder, Colorado's Mountain Sun Brewery. This 9.5% ABV strong Belgian red ale (aged in Merlot barrels with bugs) will hit you right where it counts. Again and again and again. Unfortunately, this is a one-off beer that was made for and poured at the inaugural Boulder Sour Fest - "Pucker up, buttercup" is the slogan for the festival, which makes for an awesome movie hero one liner! - hosted by Avery Brewing Company in late February.  Thus, it's likely impossible to get. Heck, this is so one-off there's not even a label for it!  But with a name like Dirty Justice it just had to be picked. Even if you could get your hands on this thing it'd be only one bottle, so you'll have to make it last.  That's A-OK given the ABV level of this brew, because the intricacies and details to which Clyde Shelton (Gerard Butler) goes to in this flick to reap vengeance should be followed with a semi-coherent mind.  Since there is no image for this beer I'll leave you with the man who was actually the first actor considered for the role of Snake Plissken in the great movie, Escape from New York...

If you recall I mentioned The Boondock Saints earlier. Up next...  Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day!

The Brewvie Review: A Six Pack

It's been a few weeks since the last Brewvie Review, but not for a lack of film watching. We've seen a number of flicks in the last month, but nothing has struck my fancy enough - good or bad - to write a full review about. Truth be told, I've drank a lot more brews over the last month then I've watched movies. Between the Super Bowl party we had, our trip up to Golden, CO, to interview Cody Christman - the Beerdrinker of the Year, attending the Old Chicago's "I Love Beer" mini-tour launch party in Denver, shooting a commercial for Old Chicago's World Beer Tour (which will go live very soon), and taking part in the 6th Annual Firkin Rendezvous at Bristol Brewing Company last Saturday...

So, instead of focusing on one movie, let's do a six pack of 'em... quick shot style!

Extract - 2 1/2 stars. A complete and total snoozer starring Ben Affleck, Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Gene Simmons, and the super hot Mila Kunis. It's directed by Mike Judge (he of Beavis & Butthead fame). And it's still a yawner. You'll spend more time trying to figure out what's on tap at the bar Ben Affleck's character owns than caring what happens next. Watch this with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon (Any Liquor Store, In Your Neighborhood) by your side cuz watching this makes you feel as bored and bland as that so called "beer."

The Uninvited - 3 stars. Not bad. A remake of the 2003 Korean chiller Janghwa, Hongryeon, starring a bunch of actors/actresses you don't know and will probably never see again. A few chills and a nice little twist at the end saves this from being a total waste of time. What to drink? At least one bottle of Stop Making Sense, an 11% eis bock, from Trinity Brewing Company (Colorado Springs, Colorado). This will do a few things: first, due to the high ABV it will actually help make sense of the movie, and two, due to the high ABV... you're just not gonna care if it's good or bad.



Love Happens - 3 1/2 stars. A romantic comedy with the always smokin' hot Jennifer Aniston and the guy who looks like Jon Bon Jovi (Aaron Eckhart). Cute. Not one of my favorite romcoms, but still worth watching. For this particular chick flick try sucking down a few bottles of  Hot Monkey Love, an 11% Old Ale from Pratt Street Ale House (Baltimore, Maryland). You know why.

Zombieland - 2 1/2 stars. WTF is the deal with the hysteria over this flick? It's getting 4.5 stars on Netflix. Sorry, I just don't get it. Typically I love these kind of movies (Shaun of the Dead is epically classic) because killing zombies is always a good time. It has a great cast including Bill Murray, Woody Harrelson, Abigail Breslin, and Jesse Eisenberg. Has some funny scenes (not nearly enough), and a great list of rules to get you through a a zombie apocalypse. Sadly it's just not all that entertaining. It would make for a great party game though. Eat a Twinkie and a drink a brew every time a zombie goes down. A case of Sawtooth Ale from Left Hand (Longmont, Colorado) will work nicely.

Surrogates - 3 1/2 stars. A sci-fi thriller starring Bruce Willis, James Cromwell and Ving Rhames. Set in the near future where humans hibernate at home while living their lives vicariously through robot surrogates... wait. Don't people who play World of Warcraft kinda do that?  I kid!  Sorta. While not a WoWer myself, I do play City of Heroes, so I get it. Surrogates is just the kind of movie that begs for any brew from Lazy Boy Brewing in Everett, Washington.


Orphan - 4 stars.  In this thriller-chiller a family's baby dies during child birth. Hoping to patch the emotional hole in their lives they decide to adopt 9-year-old from an orphanage. Good plan! Boy, do they regret that decision. This was pretty damn good actually.  As the huge twist plays out you'll be going ICK and DOUBLE ICK. Stars a few folks you've seen in other flicks like Peter Sarsgaard, CCH Pounder and Vera Farmiga. The one you want to pay attention to though is Isabelle Fuhrman who plays 9-year-old Esther (pictured left). Creeptastically amazing! One beer is perfectly suited for this movie, and chances are you can't get it. It's the collabrew between New Albanian Brewing Company (New Albany, Indiana) and The Livery (Benton Harbor, Michigan) called... Le Douche Mental Imperial Belgian IPA. The name says it all.

Up next... Law Abiding Citizen!  Ooooooh yaaaaa!

The Brewvie Review: Whip It

What do you think of that title?  Brew + movie = brewvie. Get it?  Erik came up with it, and I think it's brilliant. So, is it a  "hellz ya" or "keep trying"?  Either way, don't steal it... it's trademarked.

This week's movie is far different from the "manly man" flick that was Book of Eli.  My friend Terry will likely make fun of me for watching such a movie, but if you keep tabs of my reviews on Facebook you'll know that I'm not afraid to delve into the chick flick pile. Fact is, I often times like them. Not the sappy love stories you might find on Lifetime or Oxygen, but I do like romantic comedies. Something my more "manly" (those are fake air quotations by the way) friends can't quite seem to comprehend. Whatever.

So without further ado... on with the show!

Whip It 

No, not the Devo mega-hit from... oh my gawd, was it really a hit way back in 1980? Geezus. From the Netflix description: "Escaping her smothering mother's (Marcia Gay Harden) beauty pageant plans for her, small-town Texas teen Bliss (Ellen Page, of the great indie flick, Juno) joins an all-girl roller derby team in Austin and begins living a thrilling double life as Babe Ruthless -- a life that might catch up with her. Brew Barrymore makes her directorial debut and plays fellow teammate Smashley Simpson in this smart coming-of-age tale. Kristen Wiig, Juliette Lewis, Eve and Jimmy Fallon co-star."

Yes, that Jimmy Fallon, who plays rink announcer, "Hot Tub" Johnny Rocket. The names of the characters (Babe Ruthless, Smashley Simpson, Maggie Mayhem, Bloody Holly, Iron Maven, etc.) are priceless. This is an indie flick, so there aren't any mind blowing special effects, city-engulfing explosions or high intensity car chases. It's a movie about people in a small town. So if you're only into movies made for the A.D.H.A., and watching actors act isn't your thing... get out of your rut and expand your horizons!

Now, for those of you in the crowd turned off by the "coming-of-age tale" parlance pay particular attention to these words:  all-girl roller derby. So what you have here is some hot, tattooed chicks on roller skates... wearing mini-skirts and fishnets... beating the crap outta each other. What's not to like here people? By the way, woman's roller derby is huge again. If you don't believe me take a look at the websites for the L.A. Derby Dolls, Gotham Girls, Denver Roller Dolls, or our very own Pikes Peak Derby Dames!   

This was a really good flick. Drew Barrymore directs and plays a small role as a stoner, ska-chick who loves to fight. Kristen Wiig of SNL fame is one of the main actors, along with Paige. Fallon really is funny as the ring announcer. The guy on the far right in the above image is Razor, coach for the also pictured Hurl Scouts roller derby team. He's played by Andrew Wilson, the older brother of Luke and Owen Wilson. Who knew they had an older brother!?  He's funny, and of the three brothers... the better actor.

Whip It gets a score of:

Roller derby chicks. Check.  Jimmy Fallon. Check. Hilarity, hi-jinks and hip checks. Check.What more do you need? Oh ya, beer! For this particular pic I've picked a pickled pepper - oops, got carried away there. Sorry.

Beer suggestion for Whip It:

Black & Blue from Dogfish Head

Number of bottles of Black & Blue required to get through this movie: At least 2, possibly 3

Get it?!  This 10% ABV Belgian Golden Ale is a multitasking, multipurpose, high alcohol biznatch! First, it will dull the pain when you bust your ass. What do I mean?  Here's what's going to happen. After watching this movie some guys are going to think they can actually do roller derby... because that's what guys do. So some of you are going to rummage through the pack rat pile of crap you have stashed in the garage, find an old pair of blades or skates, lace 'em up and try to stand up on them. You are going to fall down and bust your ass. Having a bottle of Black & Blue up in you will lessen that pain. Should you get brave - and good - enough to try and roll around the block it will soften those inevitable falls as well.  Be sure to down at least one bottle during the movie.

Secondly, it's got a ton of real, pureed blackberries and blueberries in it so this is a beer your non-beer loving gal (if you're unfortunate enough to have one of those) will actually like. And did I mention it has a high alcohol content? You know what I'm talkin' 'bout! That's right, fist pump. Come on now!  If that bow chicka bow wow plan somehow fails epically there's a backup use for the high ABV. We already know it will dull the pain of the inevitable skate injuries, but it will also dull the "pain" of this chick flick if you just aren't man enough to open your mind to it.  So have another!

Until next time... I'm Eli the Mad Man of Beer telling you to put on your helmet panty and always be ready for a hip check, 'cuz the last thing you want is a giner shiner!  Boooya!

Beer and religion come together in Beerituality

Irony of ironies. My last post was a flix and brew review, this one's about a flick about beer. And religion!  I just stumbled across the trailer for this comedy called Beerituality.  Take a look...






For more information about this movie from FAD Productions check out their Facebook page or follow them on Twitter (@Beerituality).

The Brewvie Review: The Book of Eli

eI'm starting a new feature here on Confessions, one that will likely migrate over to Beer Tap TV in some video-ized form in the not too distant future. I wanted to give it a test run here to see what kind of reaction it gets though, so consider this a beta test.  Let me know what ya think, from the title to the format to what/not to include, etc.  Sound good? 

If you follow the movie reviews I post on my Facebook page (via the way cool Netflix review app) you know I like to watch all kinds of movies. Well, I got to thinking... why don't I combine two of my fave things:  movies and craft beer.

For a number of reasons Fran and I don't usually see many films at the theater. I know, it's the only place you can get a dump truck full of that delicious popcorn you can only seem to get at the movies, but you can't get one single beer. And that's a deal breaker for me. Instead we rent movies from Netflix where we can watch from the comfort of our couch, pause the movie when we feel like, get up and use a clean bathroom, grab a brew from the fridge, etc. So it's ironic that the first entry in this new feature will be about a movie we actually saw at the theater a few weeks ago...

The Book of Eli


I went in expecting a lot. For starters, it has my name in the title. Secondly, it's "a post-apocalyptic tale in which a lone man fights his way across America in order to protect a sacred book that holds the secrets to saving humankind." Post-apocalyptic stories come from my favorite genre. Movies, books, comics, video games... if it's about the end of the world, I'm all over it.  

Directed by the Hughes brothers (they of the awesome flick, From Hell, starring Johnny Depp), this movie stars Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson, and Jennifer Beals. Great cast. Well, Eli (Denzel) has been strolling across a destroyed U.S. for some 30 years. He walks tall and carries a very big knife... and a very special book that will supposedly help restore the world. This world is lawless, where people must kill or be killed.  Sounds like one of the Mad Max flicks, right?

Well, it kind of is. And it's also kind of like The Road, a book written four years ago by Cormac McCarthy. Great book, so read it if you haven't. Unfortunately, BoE is too much like The Road. In it a man - along with his son - walk across a a destroyed U.S. searching for something too. It was made into a movie, but only released - in November - to very few theaters.  The limited release was odd considering it has an all-star cast including Viggo Mortensen, Robert Duvall, and Charlize Theron. Anywho...

As much as I wanted to love The Book of Eli, it was merely OK. Perhaps it was the inconsiderate A.D.H.D. addled cell phone user sitting below us, or my bum knee that only hurts when sitting in a theater chair, or the central theme of the movie (which revolves around the book; saying more will give it away), or lack of beer... but I was less than impressed. There are some great action scenes (not enough), and some great character interaction (Oldman always plays a great bad guy), but in the end it was just too slow.

Fran actually enjoyed it more then I did.  However, without giving anything away... there is one potential twist that only reveals itself at the very end. I say "potential" because we're not 100% sure that it occurred. If it's actually there, and not just some figment of our imagination, it will bump this film up a notch. A second viewing will be needed to determine this however, and that will only occur when the Blu-ray  arrives in my mailbox. Until then... on wth the rating. To keep things consitent with my Facebook page I'll be using the 5 star Netflix rating system.

The Book of Eli gets a score of:

Food isn't the only thing craft beer can be paired with. I plan on experimenting with just how far to push that theory. So, along with the movie rating I'll be providing a perfectly paired beer, and how many bottles of said beer it will take to get through said movie.

Beer suggestion for The Book of Eli is: 

Lost Abbey's Judgment Day

For end of the world mayhem nothing quenches a road weary warrior like a 10.5% ABV Belgian brew!  This Quadrupel from Lost Abbey is packed full of malts (Two Row, Wheat, Medium and Dark English Crystal, Special B, Chocolate Malt) and a smack of hops (Challenger and East Kent Golding) that will surely shake the dust from your boots. 


Number of bottles of Judgment Day required to get through this movie: 2

Since this bitchin Belgian will age incredibly well for many years to come (even unto the end of the world), and it tips the scale with a double digit alcohol content, you only really need one. However, you always want to be prepared for when that final day does come. So suck one of these down during the film to ease any bodily pains you might have, or silence the idiot who can't seem to keep his yap shut, and stash the second bottle in a safe place. It will make for a savory trading trinket that will be nothing short of liquid gold in the apocalyptic future.

Until next time... I'm Eli the Mad Man of Beer telling you to believe in hope, and of course... stay frosty!

Like beer through the taplines, so are the days of our lives...

First order of bid'ness... Hoppy Brew Year!

I can't believe it's already been a month since I last posted.  That's ridiculous on a number of levels, not the least of which is the rhetorical question:  where the *$&@ did that month go?!?  I mean seriously.  Really? I coulda sworn I was just waking up from the New Year's hangover. Oh wait, nix that... I was asleep before the bell even rang.  Made up for it over the last few weeks though. ;)

If the first 2+ weeks of 2010 are any indication... Beer Tap TV is gonna have a kick ass year!  Last weekend both Erik and I were out and about on BTTV business. He was darting around the mid-west and I was out in Northern California.

While in the San Francisco Bay Area with my wife Fran (she of the soon to be revitalized For the Love of Fran's Food blog), I got a chance to very briefly (we were in a rush to get party supplies for my mother-in-law's birthday) visit Russian River Brewing Company and had literal mad dashes by Gordon Biersch and 21st Amendment.

After barnstorming through NorCal for a few days we were able to slow down a bit and spend the better part of Sunday at one of our favorite spots along the California coast - Half Moon Bay.  It's here that we got to sit back and smell the roses, or in this case the beer, at the Half Moon Bay Brewing Company. Unlike the other beer sojourns I did in fact remember to bring my phone, but that's only because we spent the night in HMB (Inn at the Mavericks) because we were flying out the next morning. Anywho... HMBBC is a spectacular brewpub with an ambiance that simply can't be beat. Outdoor patios with raging fire pits, great brew, food and music.

So why did it take me so long to post about this when it was over a week ago? Glad you asked. By way of a long and convoluted intro, here's the crux of this post...

Back when I started writing this blog in 2007 many of today's high-tech gadgets and websites either weren't around yet or they were just being born. I think the iPhone literally launched the day before my very first post. Here it is two and a half years later and the exponential advance in technology has been staggering. We now carry around smart phones that make Star Trek communicators look primitive. Social networking was something we did in person, not something accomplished through a host of incredibly advanced websites. Facebook was still in it's infancy, Twitter was something a bird did, and Ning was a grammatical term indicating that a verb was in the progressive form.

Blogging has come a long way since Jack Dorsey created Blogger. Did you know he also created Twitter? One could argue that Jack single-handedly helped bring about the demise of brick and mortar newspapers. How? Ever hear of the term "citizen journalism"? Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace... all of them gave voice to the people. Combine that with the ability to take high quality pictures and video anywhere at anytime and you have millions who can conduct instantaneous, on the spot reporting 24/7/365.

Back then - all two and a half years - we had to go to different sites to do a myriad of different things.  Not anymore.  Like everyone I too have a Facebook page and a Twitter account that are not only all linked, but have are far easier to use on the fly then sitting down and typing out a lengthy blog entry. Who thought so much could be communicated in 140 spaces?  Dorsey apparently.

But I digressed (imagine that)...

A few days after our trip I posted pics (like the one to the right) and video to my Facebook page. I popped out a few Tweets while at HMBBC drinking a flight of great brews, watching the Cardinals and Packers set NFL defenses back 100 years, and listening to the Latin rhythms of Manicato. It took me almost two weeks to sit down and type out this ramble.

So my point?  To stay caught up with my beertastic doings - and there's going to be plenty, not the least of which is our trip to Oktoberfest in Germany in September - make sure to follow me on Facebook and Twitter!  The digital age is here and it ain't goin' away people, so get on board. If you need incentive... my 81 year old mother-in-law Emails daily, has a Facebook page, and knows how to surf the Internet like a pro surfer hanging ten at Mavericks!  So get to it!

What beer should you drink?

The gang from SloshSpot.com and Eating The Road have put together another hilarious flowchart... this one to make your beer drinking decision easier!


Click on the image to see the full, much bigger chart. You won't be disappointed!

Zivjeli!

Beer Gifts for your Beer Geek

If you're having problems finding just the right gift for your beloved Beer Geek... look no further!

On this week's episode of Beer Buzz on Beer Tap TV (episode #57: On The First Day Of Christmas…) we give you a list of gifts that are sure to please any beer lover. Plus, I put together a list of my own for my Examiner.com column. Today is part one, tomorrow will part two, so be srue to check out The 12 Beer Gifts of Christmas - Part 1.

If you can't find the perfect gift from these lists.... well, you're SOL!

Beery Christmas and Hoppy Brew Year!

Risking Life & Limb

Last Thursday night we (Beer Tap TV) were hanging out at Trinity Brewing Company here in the Springs with the Dreaded One (Jason Yester, head brewer extraordinaire of TBC), Anna Nadasdy (Rocky Mountain Business Development Manager for Sierra Nevada), John Schneider (who works for Bristol while also doing his own thing at Black Fox Brewing), and several Tap Heads (including Brandon "WhopTBird" Jones).

We were all there for the official launch of the two collaboration brews by Sierra Nevada and Dogfish Head - Life & Limb and Limb & Life, and to film an episode of Taste Buds with these beers. It also happened to be one of the coldest nights we've seen in Colorado Springs in some time. Naturally, our CEO, Erik Boles (aka "One Crazy Muthafuka"), got it into his giant head that it would be a good idea to film OUTSIDE. In the single digit freezing cold night and thus the whole "risking life and limb to bring you Life & Limb" idea was born.

It went a little something like this: "We're here at Trinity Brewing Company... outside... blah blah... risking life and limb to bring you Life & Limb." Get it? Anna, being the trooper that she is, went along with the idea and it turned out to be one of the most hilarious episodes of Taste Buds we've done yet. And we've done over 170 of them now. It should air on Wednesday, so be sure to check it out here.

A word of advice: if you want to try these beers you better get them ASAP. Life & Limb is available in 22 oz bottles and on tap, whereas Limb & Life is only available on tap. What's out there sitting on retail shelves or in a pub's tapelines is all there is. Once that's gone...

While we were there Jason gave us a sampling of a "triple cherry dark sour" brew he's aging. Here's a little video I shot of that tasting session:



Cheers!

Sliding beer side up into the holiday home stretch

I realize this comes a bit late (what with this being December 2nd already), but I hope you all had a great Turkey Day.

This year I was thankful for having three NFL games on TV instead of the regular two, the continuing surge of great American craft beer, and as always... my loving wife (Fran, from "For the Love of Fran's Food" blog), who puts up with my maddening and time consuming passion of the liquid libation known as beer.

As most of you know I'm the co-host of the only televised beer news show in the known universe - Beer Buzz on Beer Tap TV. On our Thanksgiving Day episode, Tryptophantastic Beer News, we shed our Everyday Joe Clothes to become... The Bombastic Beer Busters! On it we burst the gravy bubble on a few long standing myths associated with beer, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims. Myths like: Did the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer? Was the first building they erected a brewery? And, did they have beer at the first Thanksgiving? Be sure to check it out for all the answers.

On T-Day I sucked down a few incredible beers in order to wash down all that turkey, gravy, and pumpkin pie. The first was New Belgium's 2° Below Winter Ale, a super tasty winter warmer that went well with the snick-snacks prior to the larger feast. Next on the docket was Odell's Isolation Ale, another winter warmer. Last but certainly not least was Treblehook, a mighty fine barley wine from Redhook Brewing up in Woodinville, Washington. All three went very well with the food of the day. So... tell me, what beers did you imbibe on Gobble Day?

As you know I don't do in-depth analysis' of beers because everyone else on the Interwebs does them... better. However, if you want to see what Erik and Dusty from Beer Tap TV thought of these brews, check out Taste Buds #157 (Treblehook), and #161 (2° Below).

Lately I've been getting a lot of Emails asking where the heck I've been the last few months. Aside from the occasional Beer Wars entry (got another one coming soon) I haven't been updating this blog as much as I used to. Well, I've been here; just not here. Truth be told, by the time I get done with all my other beer related duties (Beer Tap TV, Rocky Mountain Brewing News, Colorado Springs Craft Beer Examiner, etc.)... I'm wiped out. All I wanna do is plop down in front of my gaming rig with a brew and frag Ruskies in Modern Warfare 2, take on the roll of Batman in Arkham Asylum (the greatest Bats game ever made!), or mindlessly massacre Mad Maxian scumbags in Borderlands. That, or cozy up with my wife (and inevitably our Alaskan Malamute Osa) on the couch and watch an episode of Fringe or Castle.

But I'll make this promise - let's call it an early New Year's Resolution... I'll post more often. All the "legit article" ideas have to go to the other spots first, but I'll try to drop in my own personal beer-adventures. After all, that's what blogs are for, right?

So with that... I hope ya'll have a wonderful holiday season. For now, I'll leave you with this: what seasonal holiday beer are you looking forward to the most?

Until next time... Zivjeli!

Beer Wars: A Tasty New Hope, Part 6

EXTERIOR: BREWOOINE -- DESERT -- DOLLARZ HOMESTEAD -- AFTERNOON.

The Worts gibber-jabber as they line up their battered
captives - including Art and Tripio - in front of the
enormous Sudscrawler, which is parked beside a homestead
made of three large holes in the ground surrounded by
several tall kegerators and one small adobe block house.

The Worts scurry around fussing over their slaves,
straightening them and brushing dust off of them. The
shrouded little creatures stink, and attract small
insects to the dark areas where their mouths and nostrils
should be.

From a dingy side-building limps Owe-me Dollarz, a
burly man in his mid-fifties. Blood shot eyes are sunken
back into a wrinkly, dust-covered face. As the brewer
carefully inspects each, he is closely followed by his
slump-shouldered nephew, Duke Flymalter. Or as Owe-Me
liked to refer to him - the village idiot. One of the
vile little Worts walks ahead of them spouting an
animated sales pitch in an odd, unintelligible language.

A voice calls out from one of the huge holes that form
the homestead. Duke goes over to the edge and sees his
Aunt Brewru standing in the main courtyard.

BREWU: Duke, tell Owe-Me that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks BocceBall.

DUKE: Looks like we don't have much of a choice, but I'll remind him.

Duke returns to his uncle as they look over the
equipment for sale with the Wort leader.

OWE-ME: I don't need no steenkin' protocol droid.

TRIPEO: (quickly) course you don't. Not in this environment. I also know over thirty secondary functions that...

OWE-ME: What I really need is a 'borg that understands the binary language of kegarators.

TRIPEO: Kegarators! Sir, my first job was programming high pressure CO2 and nitrogen regulators... very similar to your kegarators in most respects.

OWE-ME: Do you speak BocceBall?

TRIPEO: You becha. It's like a second language to me. I'm...

OWE-ME: All right shut up! (turning to Wort) I'll take this one.

TRIPEO: (under his breath) Shut this ya fat sow.

OWE-ME: Duke, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to have both of them cleaned up before dinner.

DUKE: Waaa! But I was going into town to pick up some hemp converters...

OWE-ME: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now get to it!

DUKE: Fine! Ya fat bastich! (kicks the ground with his foot) You. And the red one, come on. Well, come on, Red... let's go.

As the Worts start to lead the three unsold slaves
back into the Sudscrawler, Art lets out a pathetic
little fart and starts after his old friend Lee. He
is held back by a slimy Wort, who zaps him with a
remote control of some kind.

Owe-Me is negotiating with the head Wort. Duke leads
Tripeo and the other bot towards the garage when
suddenly a plate pops off the head of the red droid
and sparks wildly.

DUKE: Uh, Uncle Owe-Me...

OWE-ME: Yeah?

DUKE: This 'bot has a bad motivator. Look!

OWE-ME: (to the head Wort) Hey, what the hell kind of P.O.S. are you trying to push on us?

The Wort goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Art has
sneaked out of line and is moving up and down trying
to attract attention. He lets loose a loud fart.
Tripeo taps Duke on the shoulder.

TRIPEO: (pointing to Art) Yo! That little dude over there is in good condition. A real bargain.

DUKE: Uncle Owe-Me...

OWE-ME: Yeah?

DUKE: What about that one?

OWE-ME: (to Wort) What about the one that's holding his breath and turning blue? We'll take that one.

With a little reluctance the scruffy Wort trades the
damaged droid for Art.

TRIPEO: You'll be happy with him. He's really in first-class condition... even if he stinks. I've worked with him before. Here he comes now.

Owe-Me pays off the whining Wort as Duke and the two
trudge off toward the garage.

DUKE: Okay, let's go.

TRIPEO: (to Art) You better not forget this! Why I should stick my neck out for you is beyond me.

INTERIOR: DOLLARZ HOMESTEAD -- GARAGE AREA -- LATE AFTERNOON.

The garage is cluttered and worn, but a friendly
peaceful atmosphere permeates the low grey chamber.
Lee Tripeo lowers himself into a large tub filled
with warm baby lotion. Over by a battered speeder
little Art rests near a large Febreeze unit with a
cord plugged into the backside of his pants.

TRIPEO: Thank the maker! This baby lotion bath is gonna feel sooooo good. I've got such a bad case of crunk I can barely move!

Art replies with a muffled fart. Duke seems to be
lost in thought as he runs his hand over the damaged
fin of a small two-man Beerhopper spaceship resting
in a low hangar off the garage. Finally Duke's
frustrations get the better of him and he slams a
wrench across the workbench.

DUKE: It just isn't fair. Oh, Ciggs is right. I'm never gonna get out of here!

TRIPEO: (to himself) Does this kid every stop whining? (to Duke) Is there anything I can do to help?

Duke glances at the battered borg.

DUKE: Well, not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest, or teleport me off this rock!

TRIPEO: No can do, buckwheat. I'm a 'borg not a magician. By the way, where the hell are we anyway?

DUKE: Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.

TRIPEO: Wonderful. Thanks for that helpful tidbit, Puke.

DUKE: Uh, you can call me Duke.

TRIPEO: That's what I said.

DUKE: No, you called me Puke.

TRIPEO: Whatever. I'm Lee Tripeo, human-cyborg relations, and this is my counterpart, Art Detzo.

DUKE: Hello.

Art farts in response. Duke wrinkles his nose.

DUKE: You're right... he stinks.

TRIPEO: Told ya so.

Duke unplugs Art and begins to scrape several
connectors on his head with a chrome pick.
Tripeo climbs out of the lotion tub and begins
wiping it from his body.

DUKE: You got a lot of carbon scoring here. It looks like you boys have seen a lot of action.

TRIPEO: Action is our middle name. With all we've been through, sometimes I'm amazed we're in as good condition as we are, what with the Rebellion and all.

DUKE: You know of the Rebellion against the Macro-Empire?

TRIPEO: Hell yes we do! That's how we came to be in your service, if you catch my drift.

DUKE: Not really.... have you been in many battles?

TRIPEO: Bottles or battles? Nevermind... same answer. Several. Actually, there's not much to tell. They shot at us, we shot at them. Had a few brews in between. I'm not much more than an interpreter, and not very good at telling stories.... until I've had a few anyways.

Duke struggles to remove a wad of gum from Art's hair.
He uses a larger pick.

DUKE: Well, my little friend, you've got this jammed in here real good. Were you on a cruiser or...

The gum snaps loose with a snap, sending Duke
tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a
twelve-inch three-dimensional hologram of Lay-a
Hopgana, the Rebel senator, being projected from
Art's eye patch. The image is a rainbow of colors
as it flickers and jiggles in the dimly lit garage.
Duke's mouth hangs open in awe.

LAY-A: Help me, Obi-Flan Wasabi. You're my only hope.

DUKE: WTF is this?

Art looks around and sheepishly farts. Lay-a
continues to repeat the sentence fragment over
and over.

TRIPEO: Ya, what the hell is that ya dwarf!? He asked you a question...(pointing to Lay-a) What is that?

Art whistles his surprise as he pretends to just
notice the hologram. He sheepishly farts again.
Lay-a continues to repeat the sentence fragment
over and over.

LAY-A: Help me, Obi-Flan Wasabi. You're my only hope. Help me, Obi-Flan Wasabi. You're my only hope.

TRIPEO: He says it's nothing. A malfunction. Old data.

Duke becomes intrigued by the beautiful girl.

DUKE: Who is she? She's smokin' hot!

TRIPEO: Not a clue.

LAY-A: Help me, Obi-Flan Wasabi...

TRIPEO: I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. Some big wig politico. The ship's captain was attached to...

DUKE: Is there more to this recording?

Duke reaches out for Art but he lets out several
frantic farts and a whistle.

TRIPEO: Chill out biznatch! You're going to get us in trouble. Trust him. He's our new master.

Art whistles and farts out a long message to Tripeo.

TRIPEO: He says he's the property of Obi-Flan Wasabi, a resident of these parts. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, I think he's full of sh*t. I don't know what he's talking about. Our last master was Captain Ant Hills, but with what we've been through, this little guy has become a bit... eccentric.

DUKE: Obi-Wan Kenobi? I wonder if he means old Ben Wasabi?

TRIPEO: Say what? You know what he's talking about?

DUKE: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Flan, but old Ben lives out beyond the Dune Sea. He's kind of a strange old nutbag hermit.

Duke gazes at the beautiful young princess for a
few moments. Drool forms at the corner of his mouth.

DUKE: I wonder who she is. It sounds like she's in trouble. I'd better play back the whole thing.

Art beeps something to Tripeo.

TRIPEO: He says the restraining bolt has short circuited his eye-patch recording system. He says if you remove the bolt he might be able to play back the entire recording.

Duke looks longingly at the lovely, little princess and
hasn't really heard what Tripeo has been saying.

TRIPEO: Hello!? I'm right here! Stop doing that you perv!

LUKE: H'm? Oh, yeah, well... sorry. Sure. I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off.

Duke pops the restraining bolt off Art.

DUKE: There you go.

The image of the princess immediately disappears.

DUKE: Hey, where'd she go? Bring her back! Play back the entire message!

Art farts an innocent reply as Tripeo sits up
in embarrassment.

TRIPEO: What message? The one you're carrying inside your crusty innards ya rat bastard!

A women's voice calls out from another room.

AUNT BREWRU: Duke? Duke! Come to dinner!

Duke stands up and shakes his head at the
malfunctioning midget.

DUKE: All right, I'll be right there, Aunt Brewru.

TRIPEO: Looks like short stuff had a brain aneurysm.

Duke tosses Art's restraining bolt on the workbench
and hurries out of the room.

DUKE: Get that stinky bastard to play back the entire message. I'll be right back. If you don't... I will. (Duke leaves the room)

TRIPEO: (to Art) You better reconsider playing that message for him or he's gonna beat the crap outta ya... literally!

Art farts in response.

TRIPEO: Nope, I don't think he likes you at all.

Art farts.

TRIPEO: Hell no! I don't like you either.

Art farts mournfully.

TO BE CONTINUED...........