Friday, May 29, 2009

Beer Wars: A Tasty New Hope, Part 3


The Imperial Beerdestroyer comes over the surface of the
planet Brewooine.


Wortland Wastes, or "No Beer Land", where the rugged desert mesas
meet the foreboding Suds Sea. The two helpless dudes kick up
clouds of sand as they leave the lifepod and clumsily make their
way across the desert wasteland. The lifepod in the distance
rests half buried in the sand.

TRIPEO: How the hell did I get into this mess? We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.

Art answers with an agreeing fart.

TRIPEO: I've got to rest before I fall apart. My joints are killin' me.

Art continues to respond with a series farts.

TRIPEO: What a desolate place this is.

Suddenly Art whistles, makes a sharp right turn and starts off in
the direction of the rocky desert mesas. Tripeo stops and yells.

TRIPEO: Where the hell do you think you're going?

A stream of bodily noises pours forth from the small guy.

TRIPEO: Well, I'm not going that way. It's too damn rocky! This way is much easier.

Art counters with a long whistle.

TRIPEO: What makes you think there are settlements over there?

Art continues to make burping sounds.

TRIPEO: Don't get technical with me you overweight blob of skin!

Art continues to make burping sounds.

TRIPEO: What mission? What are you talking about? OK, I've had just about enough of you! Go that way! You'll be S.O.L within a day, you nearsighted fart factory!

Tripeo gives the little guy a kick in the ass and starts off in
the direction of the vast Suds Sea.

TRIPEO: And don't let me catch you following me begging for help... because you ain't gonna get it!

Art's reply is a rather rude sound. He turns and trudges
off in the direction of the towering mesas.

TRIPEO: No more adventures! I'm not going that way.

Art burps to himself as he makes his way toward the
distant mountains.


Tripeo, hot and tired, struggles up over the ridge of a sand
dune only to find more dunes, which seem to go on forever.
He looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.

TRIPEO: That outta shape piece of crap! This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way... but he'll do no better.

In a huff of anger and frustration, Tripeo knocks the
sand from his shirt. His plight seems hopeless, when a glint
of reflected light in the distance reveals an object moving
towards him.

TRIPEO: Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved!

The now sunburned dude waves frantically and yells at the
approaching transport.

TRIPEO: Over here! Help! Please, help!


Duke and Ciggs are walking and drinking a malt brew.
Brewmeister and the others can be heard working inside.

DUKE: (Very animated) I cut off my power, shut down the afterburners and came in low on Beak's tail. I was so close I thought I was gonna fry my instruments. As it was I busted up the Skyhopper pretty bad. Uncle O'hen was pretty upset. He grounded me for the rest of the season. You should have been there... it was fantastic!

CIGGS: You ought to take it easy, Duke. You may be the hottest bushpilot this side of Mos Tooheys, but those little Skyhoppers are dangerous. Keep it up, and one day - WHAMMO, you're going to be nothing more than a dark spot on the side of a canyon wall.

DUKE: Look who's talking. Now that you've been around those giant starships you're beginning to sound like my Uncle. You've gotten soft in the city.

CIGGS: I've missed you kid.

DUKE: Well, things haven't been the same since you left, Ciggs. It's been so... lonely.

Ciggs looks around then leans in close to Duke.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Appetite for Life: Widmer Brothers

Chances are you've watched the Travel Channel a few times and thus are likely to know who Andrew Zimmern is. If not, he's the short, funny, bald guy who trots around the world tasting stuff you and I would never put in our mouth. "Bizarre Foods is like an hour long episode of the Survivor or Fear Factor segments where contestants eat a plate of moving... things.

Well, Zimmern also does a web show for MSN called Appetite for Life wherein he travels around the country sampling the food, and the life of the places he visits. There are currently six episodes, but beer geeks will want to watch #5 (Portland, Oregon), where Andrew visits Widmer Brothers Brewery and talks with Rob Widmer.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Beer Wars: A Tasty New Hope, Part 2


A beer wasteland stretches from horizon to horizon. The tremendous
heat of the planet's twin suns settle on a lone figure, Duke
Flymalter, a hopfarm boy with heroic aspirations who looks much
older than his twenty-one years. His dreadlocks and baggy tunic
give him the air of a simple deadbeat with a goofy smile.

A light wind whips at him as he adjusts several valves on a
large battered brew kettle. He is aided by a beatup tread-robot
with six claw arms - three of which hold cans of beer. The little
robot appears to be barely functioning -- much like Duke, and
moves with jerky motions.

A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Duke's eye.
Instinctively he dry heaves thinking it a figment of his hungover
imagination. Realizing it's not, he grabs a pair of mangobinoculars
from his prized imitation Batman utility belt and scans the sky.
He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens, then
dashes toward his dented, crudely repaired hoopty... a '27 Galaxy
Groundcruiser (an auto-like vehicle that travels a few feet off
the ground on a flatulence-resonance field). He motions for the
tiny robot to follow him.

DUKE: Hurry up ya sorry sack of bolts! Come with me! What are you waiting for?! Get in gear!

The robot spins around in a tight circle, stops short, and pops
his lid. Smoke begins to pour out of every joint. Duke throws
his arms up in disgust. Exasperated, the young farm boy jumps into
his '27 Galaxy Groundcruiser and leaves the smoldering robot to
hum madly.


The awesome, seven-foot-tall Dark Lord of the Macro makes his
way into the blinding light of the main passageway. This is
Darth Fermentor, right hand of the Emperor. His face is blocked
by flowing black robes and a grotesque breath mask, which
stands out next to the fascist white armored suits of the
Imperial Beerstapo. Everyone instinctively backs away from
the imposing figure and a deathly quiet sweeps through the
Rebel troops. Several of the Rebel troops break and run in a
frenzied panic.


A woman puts a card into Art Deetzo's hand. Art burps.


Lee Tripeo stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Art is
nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebel
soldiers can be heard in the distance.

TRIPEO: Art! Art Deetzo! Where the hell are you?

A familiar farting sound attracts Tripeo's attention and he spots
little Art at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A
beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old) stands in front of
Art. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the
smoke, she finishes adjusting something on Art's face, then
watches as the little guy joins his companion.

TRIPEO: WTF?! You weren't doing what I think you were doing?! WERE YOU!?

Beerstapo troopers can be heard battling in the distance.

TRIPEO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We'll be sent to the torture racks of Guantánamo or smashed into who knows what!

Art waddles past his goofy friend and races down the
subhallway. Tripeo chases after him.

TRIPEO: Wait a minute, where are you going?

Art responds with a fart.


The evil Darth Fermentor stands amid the broken and twisted bodies
of his foes. He grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck as
an Imperial Officer rushes up to the Dark Lord.

IMPERIAL OFFICER: The Beer Star plans are not in the main computer.

Fermentor squeezes the neck of the Rebel Officer, who struggles
in vain.

FERMENTOR: Where are those transmissions you intercepted?

Darth Fermentor lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat.

FERMENTOR: What have you done with those plans?

REBEL OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. This is a beer wagon! We're on a beer delivery mission!

FERMENTOR: If this is a beer wagon... where is the Dalmatian?

The Rebel refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the
Dark Lord begins to squeeze the officer's throat, creating a
gruesome snapping and choking, until the soldier goes limp.
Fermentor tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to
his troops.

FERMENTOR: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans. Bring me the Dalmation alive. Oh, and while you're at it... a a cold beer too.

The Beerstapo troopers scurry into the subhallways.


The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the
Beerstapo troopers search through the ship. She is Princess Leia
Hopgana, a member of the Alderaan Brewers Association. The fear
in her eyes slowly gives way to anger as the muted crushing
sounds of the approaching enemy grows louder. One of the
troopers spots her.

TROOPER: There she is! Set for stun!

Leia steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with
her hopistol. She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing
ray. The troopers inspect her inert body.

TROOPER: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Fermentor we have a prisoner.